Life Beyond ASL
Dealing with the Unexpected; Embracing the Unknown
By Anne Richardson
9 January 2020
New Year; Good Friends and Kind People
It’s January 2020 – a new year, a new decade, new beginnings. In advisories there has been talk of new year resolutions, and the seniors are already looking ahead to new beginnings post-graduation. There are faculty and staff who are applying to explore elsewhere, and administrators studying resumes and cover letters of those wishing to start new ventures at ASL. And the days are growing longer, the darkness of winter diminishing. Exciting times!
In the midst of all this, however, it is often easy to lose sight of those among us for whom this is not all excitement and light. In saying hello to 2020, we also let go of 2019, its decade and all that it held for us.
Anyone reading the news knows that that 2020 is already filled with dark global issues, and ongoing crises that have spilled into it from 2019 and years back. One of my seniors came in today to talk about university and confessed that mixed in with the excitement is more than a little fear of what life after ASL means. What if she doesn’t make any friends? I know that there are parents who are already preparing themselves to wave goodbye at airports and university gates, smiling on the outside, but filled with the triad of excitement, trepidation and loss. What if they don’t make friends? How will they manage without us?
Thank goodness for friends and kind people.
It seems to be that one true and ageless constant is that we all know what it is to be kind and to be a good friend. Amidst the bad news, I look around and see people being good and kind to each other all the time: a teacher stopping in the halls of ASL to ask after a student in tears, students reaching out to each other to celebrate the good news and console over the not so good, the stories coming out of the flames of Australia, and the Canadians who are sewing, crocheting and knitting warm nests and homes for the orphaned birds, koalas and kangaroos. Every time a colleague reaches out via Facebook (betraying my age here) to ask for help counseling a student about higher education, numerous people chime in with suggestions and ideas. Personally, I am humbled by the kindness that I have experienced from former students, current students and families, former and current colleagues, and friends and family in the last six months.
How easy is this?
It occurred to Pooh and Piglet that they hadn't heard from Eeyore for several days, so they put on their hats and coats and trotted across the Hundred Acre Wood to Eeyore's stick house. Inside the house was Eeyore.
"Hello Eeyore," said Pooh.
"Hello Pooh. Hello Piglet," said Eeyore, in a Glum Sounding Voice.
"We just thought we'd check in on you," said Piglet, "because we hadn't heard from you, and so we wanted to know if you were okay."
Eeyore was silent for a moment. "Am I okay?" he asked, eventually. "Well, I don't know, to be honest. Are any of us really okay? That's what I ask myself. All I can tell you, Pooh and Piglet, is that right now I feel really rather Sad, and Alone, and Not Much Fun To Be Around At All. Which is why I haven't bothered you. Because you wouldn't want to waste your time hanging out with someone who is Sad, and Alone, and Not Much Fun To Be Around At All, would you now."
Pooh looked at Piglet, and Piglet looked at Pooh, and they both sat down, one on either side of Eeyore in his stick house.
Eeyore looked at them in surprise. "What are you doing?"
"We're sitting here with you," said Pooh, "because we are your friends. And true friends don't care if someone is feeling Sad, or Alone, or Not Much Fun To Be Around At All. True friends are there for you anyway. And so here we are."
"Oh," said Eeyore. "Oh." And the three of them sat there in silence, and while Pooh and Piglet said nothing at all; somehow, almost imperceptibly, Eeyore started to feel a very tiny little bit better.
Because Pooh and Piglet were There.
No more; no less.
(A.A. Milne, E.H. Shepard)
It’s pretty easy. Let’s make being there for each other a New Year’s Resolution. Happy 2020!
6 December 2019
Everything is Going to Be All Right...
Deadlines. Assessments. Brexit (again). Gift-giving. General Election. Impeachment. Holiday Parties. Strikes. Climate Change. University Decisions. Holiday Dinners. Darkness.
Anxiety races around at this time of year, particularly in the higher levels of the school. In the background now dances the younger, golden and eager anticipation of the holidays, replaced, at the forefront, by waking with deadlines and to do lists chasing around our brains, overlaid by the age-old anxiety, “Am I good enough?” For many of us, a weary understanding and global trepidation of “What’s next in the world?” is yet another layer of anxiety piled on top.
December is a time where there will be both wonderful news and difficult news coming for our senior class applying to university; indeed, it has already started. There is elation, and then there are and will be tears. Unfortunately, this is not a science, an "if I do all of this, then this will happen" process. In the microcosm that is ASL and with the magnifier of social media, it is really tempting for students and parents to fall into the pit of “I’m not good enough” because right now, things have not worked out.
But it will all work out.
In the absolute moment of joy, remember to look around and, in former ASL Head of School Ms. Hester’s words, “Be kind, be kind, be kind.” Think about limiting your social media postings and celebrations, and be sensitive about the chatter amongst yourselves.
In the absolute moment of disappointment, it is totally understandable and right to be sad – go for the pajamas, the comfort food, and the binge-watching of an old favorite show. Go for a run or workout, listen to music, cuddle the family pet or stuffed animal and allow yourself to be taken out for a treat by your parents, who hate to see you so sad. They, too, may be struggling with disappointment and asking themselves what they did wrong, and why can’t they make this right for you.
Because, ultimately, this process does not define who you are and your own self-worth. Remind yourself of all that you are and have - a good friend, a team player, a critical thinker, an innovator, a change-maker, a creator - with a strong work ethic, a solid moral compass, strong, deep and abiding interests and ideas, a global outlook, and an exciting vision for the future. As they say, it’s not where you go, it’s what you do when you get there. This is what is truly important. This is who you are.
And then, look around. There will be many other options and pathways for you to consider, plus your ideas may have changed about what you are seeking and where you would like to go. Trust us, there is something just as fulfilling and exciting out there for you; perhaps it is almost liberating to be able to make some different choices. And you have a wonderful team of counselors, deans and advisors, eager to help you talk this through.
There’s a quote about anxiety that goes I need you to love me a little louder today and if ever we needed to love each other a little louder, now is a good time.
And it will all work out.
8 November 2019
So What Does A College Counselor Do?
When I was approaching university, many years ago, there was no such role as a college counselor. Admittedly I was in the UK in an all-girls boarding school, and our careers room was a cold, dimly lit space, papered with out of date information (but with a huge section on the benefits of Cordon Bleu and secretarial colleges) and rarely occupied, certainly not by an informed adult with career advice. My “college counselor” was not the best: it was my father. On the one hand, I am thankful that he steered me towards the liberal arts education in the US. On the other hand, my list was a ridiculous one – so ridiculous that I was denied at six out of the seven institutions on his list, and a spring admit at the seventh. And the only reason that the seventh institution, Oberlin College, made it on to the list is that my father had dated someone who went to Oberlin. Not the best way to pick a college. Thankfully, it all worked out; I loved Oberlin and liberal arts, and am proud to call myself an alumna.
Today, the static careers room has morphed into an industry of counseling: university advisors, school counselors, college counselors (the term “guidance counselor” is being replaced.) Together they span a range of social/emotional/academic high school counseling as well as higher education advice across the world. School counselors support students throughout their high school careers, embracing the entire range of high school including academic advice, family intervention, emotional support and career planning. Other offices, like ASL with deans and college counselors, separate out higher education planning from high school academic/family/social/emotional support.
So what do the three ASL college counselors do?
The label “college counselor” itself is limiting. It implies that all roads lead to college, and “college” is, in itself, a very American term. I like to think of us as life facilitators and empowerment gurus.
First and foremost, we work with students, helping them to understand themselves and find their next pathway, whatever it may be. We love meeting with them, discussing high school, talking through dreams. We realize that they are not fully formed, and understand that they and their plans will change. We encourage them to own their next steps and to be independent. We brainstorm, proof, advise and problem-solve. Most of all we urge our students to use this time to explore widely and deeply, to do their own research, and not to settle for what “they have heard” or others want.
We also work with parents, helping them understand the range of options that currently exist, and how to foster independence and ownership while scaffolding quietly underneath. When students are stressed about applications, we help everyone manage and alleviate this stress. We provide advice about summer programs, gap years, testing, lists, choices and more. Sometimes we say “No” and “Stop.” We often say, “Take a deep breath.” We remind parents that their goal is to be fired as a parent, and hired back as a consultant.
We work constantly with colleges and universities all over the world, not to mention summer programs, apprenticeships, gap year programs, military recruiters and academies, PG programs and more. We work with multiple application systems, different deadlines and application plans, financial aid and visas, and more. We host rep visits and learn constantly. We pride ourselves on our networking and the first-hand experiences we have of campuses all over world. We work in our profession to advocate for treating students ethically.
Finally, we provide chocolate, stress balls, and ears, hearts and love – for everyone.
3 October 2019
‘Tis the season … for meltdowns. From epic public leader tantrums, to outrage over world events, to tears in our office, we seem to be awash in meltdowns. Blistering language, wounding words, panic attacks and quiet sadness – all have walked through our national headlines and into our office recently, as we all try to navigate through the uncertainties that surround us each day.
There is certainly a lot to worry about: scanning the headlines the past few months has not made for comfortable reading. Extreme weather, Hong Kong protests, school shootings, tariff wars and recession worries, knife crime, not to mention the “B” word – all provoke anxiety, uncertainty and helplessness. Closer to home, the Labour manifesto threats to independent schools, the Varsity Blues scandal, the Harvard lawsuit, and the US Dept. of Justice investigation of college admissions give us pause for thought. And still closer, the rapid pace of school life, the race to university deadlines, the approaching holidays and the myriad asks for our time can add up to a runaway train of anxieties that threaten to overwhelm us all.
It’s time for some deep breaths.
We have difficult conversations as an AACC team in our office, and whenever we lean into discomfort to tackle complexities, I look around the table and am grateful for the highly skilled professionals with whom I work on a daily basis. The wisdom and perspective that each brings to the table helps all of us grow, even when the conversations are uncomfortable. I have learned that when things seem to be going downhill, being able to depend on a team is half the battle. Knowing who you have on your team, and asking for help is crucial. So whenever someone heads into our office to ask for help, we welcome them.
One of my all-time favourite mentors, a pragmatic New Englander and legendary head of a female boarding house, dealt with meltdowns in this way. As one sobbed and hiccupped to a halt, she would always ask, “On a scale of 1-10, 10 being a nuclear holocaust right over our heads right at this moment, where are we?” Perspective and balance are important.
Last year the phrase “take care” may have led-to the occasional snicker and accompanying eye roll, but taking care of oneself and others is part of the meltdown solution. Going for a walk, digging in the garden, listening to music, reading a book – this is how I take care of myself. As a parent, I blessed the moments when my husband took over in the midst of teenage mother/daughter meltdowns and quietly said, “Why don’t you go for a walk. Take the dogs. Breathe.” And I did. And it worked.
Hugs are important. And, judging from the rapidly diminishing AACC candy stash, sweet treats are important.
Finally, I love my “That Was Easy” button – because in the meltdown moment, problems take on Everest proportions and the way forward seems impenetrable. I have learned and continue to learn to listen carefully and sympathetically, never minimizing the hurt but also seeking perspective on the problem. We look for solutions – and they are always out there. As the tears lessen and everything is laid out on the table, a way forward emerges and, sometimes, I can press the button.
26 August 2019
If I have learned anything this summer, it is that life throws us curve balls.
As June started I was looking forward to a summer of rest and renewal, some exciting professional development in the shape of a course and a conference, lots of summer visitors, and summer travel throughout and around London with my husband and with friends and family. Then life happened, and my summer was upended by my husband’s sudden death and the need to rearrange priorities and plans not only for the summer, but for life itself. There were times where I was not sure that I would be able to do any, let alone all of this; and I am certainly fearful of facing this unfamiliar new normal. My terrain has shifted dramatically, and the path ahead is no longer the one that I thought it would be. But my children and I survived the summer, and I am slowly learning to embrace the unknown that lies ahead. For while a life earthquake occurred, my inner compass and my support system stayed strong. I find that I have unwittingly adopted the Love Island 2019 mantra: “It is what it is.” According to the Free Dictionary this means: “The situation, circumstance, or outcome has already happened or been decided or established, so it must be accepted even if it is undesirable,” As undesirable as my summer was, it is what it is.
What does this have to do with life beyond ASL for our students? A lot.
Even as I write this, there are students all over the world whose exam results were not what had been expected, and who have had to switch gears quickly and find a new plan. Students in the UK who thought they were studying X program at Y university are now going through Clearing and preparing to study A program at B university. At ASL we are dealing with our own set of extraordinary curve balls with AP exams, which have upended and refocused plans for this fall.
Indeed, the college and university admissions process is all about learning to deal with the unexpected.
Ask any senior in June at the end of the year if their pathway to life beyond ASL was straight, narrow and predicted, and 95% of them will tell you that it wasn’t. On their journey through senior year, these students may have found doors shutting abruptly, but they also found windows and other doors opening. They discovered new opportunities that they hadn’t considered before, and found new excitement in places that they had not previously considered. Each year, students discover different, interesting institutions and programs at our College Fair and some students start their journey focusing on one country, only to end up in a completely different one. Students who are denied at the college of their dreams (or their parents’ dreams) fall in love with their third, fourth or fifth choice. As Frank Bruni wrote in The New York Times: “For every person whose contentment comes from faithfully executing a predetermined script, there are at least 10 if not 100 who had to rearrange the pages and play a part they hadn’t expected to, in a theater they hadn’t envisioned. Besides, life is defined by setbacks, and success is determined by the ability to rebound from them. And there’s no single juncture, no one crossroads, on which everything hinges.” Ask these seniors in June if they are excited about their futures, and they will say yes, even if they are not where they thought they would be the previous September. Ultimately, each year we hope that our seniors, with the help of their friends, teachers, counselors and families, use their inner compass to keep themselves focused on all the possibilities that lie before them. We urge them to know themselves well so that they can set aside the noise. We ask that they focus on where they will find success, and refuse to be derailed by setbacks and unexpected changes in direction. They will be stronger and better for these lessons learned.
Ultimately, it is what it is – and it will all work out.