Parenting matters

Heads nodded knowingly in January when Robert Evans, Ed.D., psychologist and consultant, spoke in the new School Center: “Too many parents want to prepare the path for the child as opposed to preparing the child for the path.” Among his many thoughtful observations about parenting, Dr. Evans spoke convincingly about how important it is for parents to give their children the latitude to make some mistakes and to learn important lessons on their own.

How difficult this piece of wisdom is in practice! Most of us parents would like a set of comfortable goose-down pillows in our children’s lives for providing nice, soft landings. No difficult teachers, no grouchy friends, no unfair referee calls, no bumpy seas. We want our children to be resilient, but who welcomes circumstances that require our children to develop resiliency? Or as Rob Evans puts it, “We want our children to be effective problem solvers, but we don’t want them to have problems to solve.”

Educational therapist Priscilla Vail made a similar point in her book, Emotions: The On-Off Switch to Learning. Dr. Vail cautioned against what she termed “learned helplessness,” or giving our children the notion that they require constant help, and especially ours, to negotiate the world. Children who feel helpless are at risk of depression, she suggests. Let them make a mistake or two and live to tell about it.

Rob Evans also recommends that parents put in place just enough structure that our children know the limits of what’s acceptable in the family. He cautions against “harsh or rigid” structure, and he is equally wary of no structure at all. The extremes don’t work. But a child is comforted and secure when the lines are defined. Making expectations clear, however, requires some important parenting muscle, the ability to say “no” to the people we love so dearly. Another tough assignment requiring common sense and patience.

Our goal as teachers and parents is to help our children thrive. And according to Evans, children need nurture, structure, and latitude—enough, but not too much, of each. Parenting is probably the most complex, demanding, and rewarding job we’ll ever have. I’m glad when we can collaborate—school and family—to get it just right. It’s our most important work.

See you around campus,

Coreen R. Hester